Unhappy in a Beautiful Place: dissatisfaction and overthinking, why can't I be happy?

I keep thinking about this:

Even in a beautiful city like Vienna, it’s possible to be unhappy.

It sounds almost ridiculous. Like… Vienna? Cobblestones, river light, the kind of skyline that makes you stop mid-walk. And yet you can still feel that low-grade internal friction. Not necessarily misery. More like a background hum: discontent, unease, irritation, restlessness. The sense that something is slightly wrong, or missing, or not settled.

Which is exactly why the line is so useful. It points to something most of us learn the hard way:

Beauty doesn’t automatically equal belonging.

A good life doesn’t automatically equal peace.

There’s a short Eckhart Tolle clip where he talks about this really plainly — the “torture of the mind” and the “unhappy identity.” If you want the source, it’s this video. (youtube.com)

And whether you love Tolle or you take him with a pinch of salt, he’s naming something that lines up with the Buddha's ancient understanding of psychology and modern stress science: we can live in a perfectly decent life and still feel not-at-home inside ourselves.

Why we can’t relax, even when life is “fine”

The thing I notice in my coaching work is that people often think the problem is their circumstances.

If I move house… I’ll settle.

If I get the new job… I’ll be okay.

If I find the right person… I’ll be happy.

If I finally go on holiday… I’ll feel like myself again.

Sometimes those changes help — for a bit. And then the familiar hum returns.

Because what we take with us, everywhere, is our conditioning: the mind’s well heeled stance. For many people, that stance has become a kind of low-grade dissatisfaction:

• scanning for what’s wrong

• feeling behind, even when nothing is chasing you

• struggling to arrive in the present moment

• needing a future moment to finally feel “sorted”

And then we assume that stance is who we are. We call it personality. We call it realism. We call it “just how life is.” The challenge is from the body organism's perspective its very efficient and effective. Your body isn't interested in whether you are happy; that is such a subjective and changing experience. Infact for hundreds of generations, those that survived did so because they were dissatisfied, so this is very deeply conditioned into us individually and also collectively and culturally. So it may seem like we must accept this and give in. Yes, do accept it, but what we also know is that it is like a horse and cart with deep grooves in the road - they are just deep grooves.

It is possible to change the grooves, but it takes some effort, and our organism's primary concern is to keep us alive and safe in as efficient a manner as possible. So moving away from scanning for wrong, feeling behind, unsettledness and an aim, will undoubtedly bring up uncomfortable feelings to try and push us back into the old familiar patterns - even if unsatisfactory.

Dukkha: the Buddha’s word for the itch of unsatisfied living

In Buddhism, this baseline “not quite right-ness” is dukkha — often translated as suffering, but it also means unsatisfactoriness: the subtle tension that shows up even when nothing is objectively awful. In the Buddha’s first teaching (Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta), dukkha includes obvious pain and also the quieter stuff: not getting what we want, being separated from what we love, and the general burden of clinging.

That’s why you can be in Vienna, or on a retreat, or finally earning decent money… and still feel that inner agitation.

It isn’t always about what’s happening. It’s about how the mind is meeting what’s happening.

Overthinking and the “unhappy identity” the cause of why can't I be happy?

What we know through people sharing experience is that; when thinking diminishes, you often feel better.

You’ve probably noticed this too:

• after a good meal

• in the water

• during yoga or the gym

• in those moments when you stop narrating yourself

It’s not that thinking is bad. It’s that a lot of our thinking is involuntary, repetitive, and slightly hostile. Not intelligence — more like mental noise.

So when thinking quietens, the “unhappy identity” quietens too. For a moment you’re not carrying yourself like a burden.

The problem of drinking as a shortcut to relief (and why it doesn’t solve the root)

A drink can soften the edges. The internal narrator loses some volume. You feel, briefly, more free. I know this as a big glass of red had been a friend of mine for years.

And then the mind does what minds do:

“If one glass helped… maybe two will help more.”

And sometimes it does — in the short term. But there’s also a reason “hangxiety” is such a common experience: alcohol can worsen anxiety later, especially through sleep disruption and physiological rebound. But by this point the organism isn't interested, it just wants to chase the good or avoid the unpleasant - so if our ego is saying that the alternative is worse than hangxiety (it doesn't say that but unconsciously) then its a green light.

I’m not interested in moralising this. It’s more compassionate than that.

People aren’t chasing alcohol for the taste. Or taking the second portion to be full. Or doing that extra hour in the gym. Or the extra email to "clear their inbox" They’re often chasing a moment of relief from the weight of being “me.”

Underneath that is something tender and very human. A longing to be free of the self and its concerns as a burden.

Kafka nailed the mood: “something is wrong, but I can’t name it”

Kafka’s The Trial is basically a portrait of vague guilt and inescapable unease — accused of something, prosecuted, never told what the crime is. Sounds deeply unpleasant to me - how about you?

You can read it politically, sure. But you can also read it as a description of chronic inner threat:

• alert without a clear danger

• tense without a clear task

• restless without a clear desire

• “I don’t feel at home here,” even when nothing’s obviously wrong

That’s not just literature. It’s a nervous system pattern and one that many of us are very familiar.

The core move: learning to disidentify from the conditioned mind

But there is a solution and a path to freedom from this dissatisfaction and nervous system pattern.

Humans are identified with the conditioned mind — and don’t know anything else.

In plain terms: we mistake the stream of thoughts and emotional weather for who we are.

And when that stream is full of dissatisfaction, we become “an unhappy entity.” We carry our personality like a heavy suitcase and drag it around, hoping scenery or permanent states of bliss and serenity will fix it.

Practice is learning to put the suitcase down.

Again. And again. And again.

Each time we put it down, we are saving ourselves minutes, hours or days of unnecessary carrying. Think of it as time saved from ruminating, rather than failing to stop it (that's a recipe for dissatisfaction)

A practical “arriving” practice (2 minutes, no incense required)

Try this the next time you feel the hum of discontent:

1. Feel both feet on the floor

2. Soften your jaw (seriously — check it)

3. Exhale slowly, a touch longer than the inhale

4. Notice one neutral sensation (air at nostrils, warmth in hands, pressure where you’re seated)

You’re not trying to become calm. You’re stepping out of the story for a moment.

That’s the skill.

And the more you practise it, the more “home” becomes something you can access in ordinary life — not just on holiday or on a yoga mat.

As well as awareness, it is also helpful to develop concentration (yes even if you have ADHD, I teach techniques can help) and develop a set of principles or values that help be a compass. These three together will get you very far on the path to freedom from all this.

How coaching and 1:1 yoga mentoring helps (without turning it into a project)

Most people don’t need more concepts. This isn't an intellectual problem, as if it was we would surely decide to be happy and be done with it. No for most people they need help practising this in real life, with their actual nervous system, habits, relationships, and stressors.

That’s what my coaching and 1:1 yoga mentoring are for — especially if you’re:

• stuck in overthinking or “always scanning” or just burnt out.

• living with stress or anxiety patterns, or constant activity

• trying to reduce reliance on coping strategies that don’t really nourish you

• wanting a grounded mindfulness practice that doesn’t feel performative

• wanting yoga that supports your mind and your body (strength, flexibility, rest — the lot)

• want to develop your framework of values, principles and concentration to help your journey.

If you’re in Manchester (or online), I offer 1:1 sessions that blend practical coaching with embodied tools — breath, attention training, and simple yoga practices you’ll actually use. I invite people to pay what they can afford to contribute based on their circumstances and volition to pay forward to others, without judgment or preference.

No big identity shift required. Just a steadier way of being here.

FAQs

What does dukkha mean?

Dukkha is a word that originates from India often translated as “suffering,” but it also means unsatisfactoriness — the subtle “not quite right” feeling that can be present even when life is going well. Its a psychological and deeply unique to each person concept the Buddha taught about extensively as being the cause of our unhappiness.

Why can I feel unhappy in a beautiful place?

Because external beauty doesn’t automatically change internal conditioning. If the mind’s default stance is vigilance or dissatisfaction, it can filter experience anywhere — including on holiday.

How do I stop overthinking naturally?

Embodied practices help: grounding attention in sensation, lengthening the exhale, and gently interrupting repetitive thought loops. Over time this builds the capacity to return to the present without forcing it. Like the horse and cart creating a new track in the road.

Can yoga help with stress and anxiety?

Many people find yoga supportive because it combines movement, breath, and attention regulation (a form of meditation). Approaches that are gentle, consistent, and nervous-system-aware tend to be most sustainable. They also allow us to become more tolerant of a range of sensations without chasing or avoiding them